I know, I know….the word “toxic” gets thrown around a lot.
We spend a lot of time and energy trying to pinpoint the toxic people in our lives, but how often do we look inward during our search?
In the words of Taylor Swift “It’s me. I’m the problem.“
The truth is, there are times when even the best of us exhibit toxic behaviors or patterns without realizing it. Here’s a few red flags to see if you’re the toxic person in the relationship, what toxic really means, and a few tips on how to curb these behaviors.
What is a toxic person?
A toxic person is someone who regularly displays actions and behaviors that hurt others or otherwise negatively impact the lives of the people around them, and they’re usually the main instigating factor of a toxic relationship.
Of course, there’s a difference between being toxic and acting toxic. The first is when it’s ingrained in our personality, and we actively enjoy hurting others; the second corresponds to aspects of our behaviors. Sometimes without knowing it, these toxic behaviors can take over.
The good news is, with a little self-reflection and asking for feedback from others, we can become aware of these habits and eradicate them so we can become better people. Here are a few of the most common behaviors that even good people can develop that might actually be hurting those around them—as well as how to change course for the better.
1. You Avoid Conflict.
You avoid any type of conflict or confrontation. By devising ways of getting around it, you are always beating around the bush. You tend to display hostility through sullen behavior, stubbornness, and passive aggressive insults. You say things like “They never take the hint” or “No offense but” and use things like the silent treatment as a weapon against your family members.
2. You feel like there is something “wrong” with them.
You feel like there is something “wrong” with them, even though, by all standards, they are relatively normal (ie. no issues with the law, don’t ask you for money, try to respect your religious or political views, and generally are productive members of society). You are constantly bothered by their life choices because you feel they are irresponsible, too religious, shortsighted, risky, or that the decisions they are making are just not as “good” as your own life choices.
Related: How to Do a Life Edit
3. You always feel “burdened” by their need to be close to you.
You resent having to fulfill family obligations or relationship obligations, because you feel they impose on your independence and “shouldn’t be your responsibility.” You blame them for “lack of boundaries.” You don’t like feeling like they “need” anything from you and should be able to handle all things on their own. You tend to get annoyed when they ask you for things that should be pretty simple and easy to do (dinner with the in-laws, watching the grandbaby for a few hours so you can get a date night, or picking someone up at the airport).
4. You never ask how they’re doing.
You never call. You respond to texts a week later. You don’t show up to their events. You don’t make spending any time with them a priority–it doesn’t even make your to do list. When asked why, you tell others they are a “toxic family member” and you are “setting boundaries.” When you do deem it necessary to show up to their events, it’s usually one where you can place yourself at the center of the conversation. The event must have some kind of “benefit” for you–like gifts, praise, or accolades otherwise you bounce.
Related: 5 Benefits of Cutting Off Toxic Family
5. You keep bringing up stuff they did years ago to find a reason to grey rock them.
You can’t let the past be the past. I’m not talking about unresolved things–I’m talking about things that have been discussed, explained, apologized for and moved on from. As soon as an argument arises, you bring up the proverbial “dead horse” and continue to get some hits in on it. You use those things to justify your behavior–screening their calls/texts, not inviting them to events, blocking them on social media, all in the name of “grey rocking” them.
6. You don’t send cards or gifts on their birthday or Christmas because it’s too out of your way.
You deem it to be “easier” for you to only celebrate “certain” holidays–none of which include anyone other than yourself or your kids.
7. You never acknowledge their accomplishments.
Mostly because validating them makes you uncomfortable (or jealous). In fact, you’ve tricked yourself into believing they don’t have any accomplishments so you can justify how you see them. Or you become super competitive with them–when they share good news about a new car, promotion, or amazing opportunity they are experiencing, you find a way to talk about your own accomplishments, your kids activities, and your new purchases.
8. You don’t respect their differing political or spiritual views.
Maybe they are too conservative, or too liberal, or practice a different religion than you do, or are always changing their mind about what path they are taking in life. You can *only* have relationships with people who think, look, and behave exactly like you. You’ve decided your family member is toxic because, no matter how loving or well intentioned, they have differing beliefs than you.
9. Anything your “toxic” family member does that “proves” you’re right, you can’t let it go.
Even if it happened years and years ago, you constantly come back to it or bring it up just to justify your opinion of them. You ignore everything else about their life, growth, development, and character. You don’t miss an opportunity to remind them of these failures, so you can constantly reaffirm you are the better one.
Related: 3 Signs it’s Time to Cut Ties with a Toxic Family Member
So if any of these resonated with you, the good news is that there are a few things that you can do to curb these behaviors.
Just because we’ve had some bad behaviors isn’t cause for shame. Shame never did anyone any good. Rather, knowing that we’ve moved past them is actually cause for pride. Understanding our own toxic behavior develops empathy for why we do the things we do, hones our self-awareness, and helps us to become better people. Acknowledgment is the first step of that journey.
- Practice mastering your emotions (as hard as that sounds)
- Commit to personal growth and continuing to master yourself–this helps you propel your positive momentum into becoming a better version of yourself.
- Be aware of the reasons you feel like you need to compete–is it because this is the only way you’ll feel validated or feel some respite from your experiences? Sometimes, honesty is the best gift we can give ourselves, no matter how scary it is. This way, we can truly have empathy for ourselves and others.
- Know that difficult conversations are generally way scarier in our heads than in reality—we simply just haven’t had enough practice yet. The more you have these conversations, the easier they become. The rule of thumb you can subscribe to is to ask yourself, “How can I say this in a way that is kind and useful?”
- We all know how terrible it feels to be the target of passive-aggressive remarks, especially when we’re in a vulnerable state. So before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were sharing something about my life or thoughts and someone gave me such a response?”
- We also all know how unseen it can make us feel when our accomplishments aren’t celebrated–especially when we’ve really hard to accomplish a goal. Make a small goal to find ways to praise people in your life–even if you are busy!
Love and light–
Jaime