Friendships can feel kinda “tricky” for parents of kids with disabilities, and talking about friendships can bring up a wide range of emotions. Some people feel they lost their friends when disability entered the picture. Others feel their friends live inside Facebook and social media or online support groups. And yet others feel they have a strong support system.

I’m fortunate enough to be friends with other parents of kids with disabilities. They get my life in a way other friends can’t understand because they don’t walk in my shoes. But of course, I also have friends who live a “typical” life (if there really is such a thing), and their love, support and encouragement has been a steady gift.

Regardless of who our friends are, I think it’s fair to say most of us want friends who love us, accept us and listen to us. Friends who “do life” with us and love our unique kids, too. We want a friend to laugh with and cry with. A friend who sends us that meme they know we will appreciate.

We need friends.

We want friends.

We want our friends to understand the complications, intricacies and joys that come with our lives. And I believe good friends want to know how they can “step in” our lives and be encouraging and uplifting.

Read below for six easy ways to support your friend that has a disabled child.

1. Get to Know their Child

Learn about their child and their unique diagnosis.  Honor their language and learn the appropriate terminology.  Learn what food they like, what their favorite color, cartoon, book, and food is, and what makes them laugh. Learn what procedures, therapy sessions, and medical appointments that they have to navigate each month.  Ask them what makes them giggle, what makes them happy, and what they are proud of themselves for accomplishing.  Be their biggest cheerleader.

2. Avoid using cliches

I would steer clear of cliches like “Everything happens for a reason” or “You are only given what you can handle” because in all honestly……they don’t help.  They just make me feel bad and almost come off feeling a bit demeaning at times.  They aren’t supportive and they make us feel as if you really don’t understand the experience we’re navigating.

3. Consider any accommodations/adaptations you can make for your friend’s child

One way to win a special place in my mama heart?  When Callie and I join you for a birthday party, event, or play date–make it accessible for her. I’ve had friends make sure that the activities they do at the birthday parties are inclusive for all the kids, they make sure that the party room is easy to navigate for Callie, or they make sure if we are at a pool party that she has a chair readily available for her to transition to the pool when she takes her leg off.  That stuff matters.  We’ve also been invited to birthday parties that are filled with activities that are hard for Callie to do and without any modifications–they are near to impossible for her to do.  She sits on the sidelines watching the other kids participate and it’s like a knife to the heart.  In no way do I want the party to revolve around Callie but it does mean a lot when people are thoughtful and inclusive with the activities.

4. Become an ally and advocate for disabled people!

We need all the allies we can get–join us!  Notice that your work meeting on Zoom doesn’t have close captioning enabled?  Call it out!  Notice that the venue you are looking to host a party at doesn’t have a ramp to allow wheelchair access?  Explore another option!  Advocate with your Congressperson, senator, and local representatives for things like adaptive playgrounds, inclusive education programs, and funding for services that would benefit disabled people.  Use your voice on social media to bring important issues to light.

5.  Listen without offering advice

Full transparency, unless you are parenting a child with a disability, you will never be able to fully understand what my life looks like.  You won’t understand the guilt, the grief, the weariness, the long days, the never ending battles with insurance companies, the frustration of seeing your child in pain, and a myriad of other feelings.

But….

You can empathize with it.  You can let me vent.  You can listen to me and hold space for my feelings.  You can listen.  You can be my safe space.

6. Invite and include them

When Callie was in elementary school there was a little girl that Callie considered to be a good friend.  I was pretty cordial with her mama and we had occasionally volunteered together at the same events.

The little girl handed out invitations to her birthday pool party and…..Callie wasn’t invited.

Now, I don’t know the circumstances.  Maybe they could only afford to invite 8 girls and it just so happened that Callie was the 9th girl in that class.  Maybe the other girls were actually closer to the birthday girl than Callie was. Maybe there actually was an invitation for Callie and it got lost.

All I know is that, my daughter thought that the reason she didn’t get invited to the party was because she had a prosthetic leg and all of the other girls were “normal.”

She felt excluded.

Invite your friends that have disabled kids.  Don’t assume that their kids can’t participate in an activity and if you aren’t sure–ask them.  Give them a quick heads up about the party activities/agenda and ask them if they need any adaptations or accommodations to the activities. Let them make the decision if they can attend.

The fact that you read through these proves that you are a kind person and a loving friend. Thank you for how you support your friend who has a child with disabilities! I hope these tips help you come alongside them in their journey even more.

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