The phrase was coined to describe parents who have decided that they are fulfilled with having an only child.  And frankly, “When are you going to have another one?” is a question that no mama really wants to field.

For those who have decided, whether through choice or circumstance, that they’re one and done, it can feel particularly uncomfortable. Having an only child can be an incredibly joyful and happy experience – so why is there still such a stigma around it?

As a parent of an only child, we used to get this question SO much.  Well-meaning strangers, coworkers, family, and friends would ask us in response to our decision not to have another baby and often times we would get a cluck of the tongue and a remark about how selfish we were being in not “giving” Callie a sibling.

I feel the opposite is true.  We actually aren’t selfish for not giving her a sibling–we put her happiness and welfare front and center.  We approached the situation with thoughtfulness and compassion; whether it was deciding that a new sibling meant that we couldn’t devote enough time to Callie or that risking my health wasn’t in the best interest of anyone in the family.

When I had Callie, I found myself with this beautiful little miracle who I was crazy about. But I also loved other things about my life too–my relationship with my husband, my career, my health, my relationships with friends, writing, and traveling. I was very cognizant that if I were to take on the responsibility of another baby, one of those other things would suffer.  One child seemed to be the best way to “have it all”–or at least as close as possible to it.

After we decided she would be our only child, I felt very at peace by what it would mean to be able to love and raise this sweet baby girl in a dynamic where I was also true to myself.   And yet all of this social noise kept creeping in. I’d be stopped by women in the supermarket saying things like, “When will you have another one?”  or ‘When will you start trying for the next one?”

And I would answer them with a quiet but direct “She’s going to be our only one.”

And you would have thought I was speaking in another language.  Why on Earth would I only have one child?  Why would I do that to my child?  Did someone need to call CPS on me?  No matter they had zero understanding of the amount of emotional labor it entails to raise a disabled child but the financial impacts as well.  They also had zero understanding of the immense postpartum depression I went through or the grief that we were still wading through in regards to Callie’s diagnosis.  I mean, it had taken all my energy to take a shower and go to the grocery store that day and they wanted to know when I was having another one??  Why in the world would someone (the world) act as if when you make this immensely personal choice, you’re a terrible parent, and therefore are a terrible woman?

There’s an underlying idea that if you have one child, you really don’t “like” being a mother or find as much joy in motherhood as someone with multiple children does.

The chance of that happening is only in circumstance–because I know plenty of people who have siblings who are spoiled and entitled.  If anything the fact that she has our undivided attention means that we can spend more time on the nuanced emotional intelligence aspects of parenting–talking about compassion, empathy, and kindness.  We have the time to devote to taking her to volunteer, to travel, and to interact with people of all walks of life instead of expecting her to learn that through interactions with a sibling.

I think it’s also interesting that the parents of only children are frequently challenged about the potential negative impact on their offspring, but we never really speak about what being a part of a large family can mean for a child’s emotional wellbeing. What about that annoying younger sibling always trying to join in, or that older sibling constantly exasperated by the younger ones attention? What about the older sibling bullying the younger one or the younger one always getting away with everything because they are the baby in the family?  The houses that seem noisy and chaotic, with at least one kid inevitably in tears or screaming?  In fact, from the things I’ve read–studies show that only children fare just as well, or better, even, than kids with siblings, and their parents tend to be happier, too, with lives that ideally offer more freedom, pleasure and fulfilment.

That’s a win win for our one and done family.