When Callie was in elementary school she got invited to a classmate’s birthday party. The party was going to be at a trampoline park and although I was a bit apprehensive, I was so excited for her to be included. Unfortunately, we later found out they invited everyone in the class…..except the one classmate who was in a wheelchair.
I wanted to call this lady up. I want to be angry and boycott the party. This is so unfair, and I am heartbroken that my daughter could potentially have a lifetime of these stories ahead of her due to her own disability.
Frankly, I was livid that this type of situation was STILL happening.
But living in an angry place without taking action won’t make the world kinder for my girl, her friend, and other kids with disabilities like them. Kids who exist outside the boundaries of typical mobility and development are not burdens to be shouldered or problems to be solved.
They’re kids. No child should ever know how it feels to be the only one excluded. Special needs hearts break just like everyone else’s.
Your very narrow perception of a child’s diagnosis may not be in line with a kid’s ability at all. My warrior princess even surprises me, her own mama, pretty much on a daily basis. Just a month ago, her friend invited her to a pool party at their house. I didn’t know if she would be into it, but I talked to her friends mom who told me exactly what to expect. She made it clear that she was more than welcome, but she would completely understand if we didn’t think she would be comfortable there. She included Callie, and left it up to us to decide. Callie wanted to go and had a BLAST. Navigating the pool area without her prosthetic didn’t phase her one bit.
I understand that every parent wants their child to have a great birthday party. There are a lot of ways to ensure everyone has a good experience, but excluding kids with disabilities and special needs isn’t one of them. You can still create the environment you are hoping for, no matter who is present.
Here are a few ways you can make social experiences more inclusive and enjoyable for everyone:
1. Get in contact with the child’s parents.
First of all, you should absolutely know that it’s totally correct to presume competence. I know you might feel compelled to acknowledge that the child might have limitations, but I assure you, their parents haven’t magically forgotten that fact. Just assume that their child can and will enjoy the party. Of course, it might not turn out to be their thing. Even typical kids can get totally overwhelmed (hello Chuckie Cheese) or bored at social events, but we still generally assume they want to be invited.
Approach mom or dad with the same positive attitude you’d use when inviting any child. Be very specific about the environment and the expectations for each child at the party, but don’t assume their child can’t or won’t hack it. Don’t issue a bunch of apologies and warnings. Just present the facts and let them make the call. They already know they have every right to say no thank you and they are the experts on their own child. I doubt you could even convince them to accept if they didn’t think their child would be happy there. But I guarantee they’ll appreciate being included.
2. Talk to your own child about why kids with disabilities are always welcome.
Explain to your child that some kids are a little different, and that’s okay. What an amazing opportunity for you as a parent to talk to your kids about disabilities! Let them know what to expect at their party from their peer(s) with special needs or disabilities. Maybe their autistic peer will shout, clap their hands, or cover their ears during the happy birthday song. Maybe their classmate with a physical disability won’t be able to join them on the water slide or run around the park, but that doesn’t mean those children can’t or won’t enjoy the party. Tell your child that including everyone is a value that your family chooses. Teach them that being a good citizen of the world means being willing to rock (and roll) with some people different from them to ensure that everyone can join in the fun.
3. Don’t present special needs inclusion as a gold star or charitable act.
It is not generosity to invite a child with special needs to the party. It’s cruelty to exclude them.
You should present the idea that everyone is welcome as a simple fact of your child’s life. As parents, we shouldn’t encourage our typical kids to view including the atypical kids as “extra nice.” We just want them to recognize that excluding them is totally unacceptable. The focus here should be human decency and lending dignity to people who are different — not boosting your child’s ego. They aren’t getting a gold star for including kids with disabilities nor are they a “hero” for doing so either.
4. Educate yourself about the unique kids in your circle and be willing to make reasonable accommodations for their needs.
This is another great reason to talk to the parents. I think most parents who are unfamiliar with living life as an amputee probably imagine Callie’s needs to be much more complicated than they truly are. If people excluded her based on her disability, she would miss so many events that she is actually able to enjoy just like the other kids.
No matter what kind of special needs a child might have, it’s totally okay to call their parents and ask if there is any way for your family to make their experience at your home or party better. Ask if they need any modifications, accommodations, or things that can be done to make the party feel more inclusive for them.
Just be careful not to ask super personal medical questions–everyone wants to have some modicum of privacy.
5. Remember how vast the disability world is.
Chances are, you’re already inviting kids who have special considerations to your events. You can’t “see” things like food allergies, congenital heart defects, anxiety, asthma, immune disorders, learning disabilities, or some variations of autism spectrum disorder. I can guarantee there are already parents at your events mitigating potential risk, guiding their children through situations where their specific health concerns come into play, and holding their breath that it all goes well.
Children whose disabilities are more obvious have parents, too. We are happy to help our kids have a good time. And trust me, we don’t want them to add any extra work to your party. If a child is miserable enough to ruin your party, they are probably suffering. Like any parent, we want to act swiftly to change whatever is making them so unhappy and try to turn the experience around.
We will take care of our littles so your party can be a good time for everyone.
You just have to include our kids to give us the chance to show you that.