I used to beat myself up if everything wasn’t perfect for her. And full transparency, I attribute a lot of that “quest for perfection” as an effort to make up for my believed role in the causation of Callie’s disability.
Woof.
Let’s unpack that. Because I believed (for years) that I was the reason Callie experienced her health challenges, I was driven to be perfect in every other aspect of my motherhood journey. I was determined to give her a perfectly curated childhood because I (sadly) believe that I had failed at my most fundamental job as a mama–and that’s bring a healthy baby into the world.
I blamed myself for her disability and I was going to be a perfect mother to make it up to her.
Perfectly coordinated outfits.
Pinterest worthy birthday parties.
Cake Boss caliber baked goods for her parties at school.
Lunches with little cute sandwiches in the shape of little woodland creatures.
Handmade costumes for Halloween that took months to make.
All the toys.
All the clothes.
All the things.
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
It’s taken me many a therapy sessions to overcome that innate desire to “make” it up to her. I’ve had to work really hard at understanding that I’m no more the cause for my daughter’s disability than I am for her interest in animals, love of books, or artistic creativity. She’s her own unique person–a kaleidoscope of traits, abilities, beliefs, thoughts, strengths, weaknesses, dreams, and wishes that she cultivates.
For herself.
I just get the privilege of walking along side her on the journey.
Callie doesn’t care if her outfit is on point. She cares that its soft, cozy, and comfortable.
Callie doesn’t care if her birthday party is Pinterest worthy. She cares if there’s cake, how many pieces of cake she can have, and if we get to take the leftover cake home.
Callie doesn’t care if the stuff for the bake sale is homemade. She cares that her Mama could be there to help.
Callie doesn’t care if her lunch has woodland creatures. She actually likes eating school lunch sometimes and it saves the day on hectic weeks.
Those Halloween costumes?
Thank God now… for Amazon Prime.
It’s taken me a bit to let that stuff go. If we have the time to do it, fantastic. She picks the important things and we go big on those. I show up for what’s important to her and we make a big deal out of those……and the rest, we let it go.
Because at the end of the day, that’s what’s important.
The fact that she sees me making her priorities my own.
The fact that she sees me balancing work and home life successfully.
The fact that she sees her Mama owning her strong suits and “contracting out” her weaknesses.
The fact that her Mama makes dinner every night and tucks her in at night.
The fact that her mama is more concerned with being present….over perfect.
All of those things are what’s important…..just not the perfectly planned Pinterest birthday parties.
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