We know we’re supposed to love ourselves and are told to practice self-love. But in a world that tells you to be:
- Thin, but not too thin
- Strong but not too strong
- Confident but not too cocky
- As tall as a super model but built like Kim Kardashian
- A stay at home mom but also a high powered career woman
- Focused on your own self care but also be completely selfless
- Hustling but also embracing slow girl life
Self-love is not always as easy as deciding to love yourself. And at the same time, it’s super hard because the world is picks apart women’s appearances and tries to pit us against each other.
In reality, I don’t think that self-love means that when I look in the mirror I see Heidi Klum instead of the flaws I typically tear myself apart over or saying “I love you” to my reflection every time I pass a mirror. I think learning to love yourself comes down to actions; what you do each day to prove to yourself that you’re lovable, deserving, and worthy of love regardless of what you look like.
Here are 10 tangible actions you can take to love yourself more and 10x your confidence:
1. Get to know yourself
Yes, the longest relationship you’ve ever had is the one with yourself, but how well do you really know who you are? Do you know what you love, what makes you happy, and what you want out of life? Do you know what lights you up? Do you know what your innate skills are? It’s impossible to love yourself if you don’t even know who you are, so take some time to think about what you believe in, value, like, and love, and identify your strengths (particularly the ones that you tend to underplay). On the flip side, getting to know yourself also means being brutally honest with yourself—what are your insecurities? What are your blind spots? Need some inspiration? Take yourself on a solo date or grab a journal and jot down a joy list.
Read: Solo Dates: The Art of Dating Yourself
2. Talk to yourself as a child
We have a constant inner dialogue that is either helping us water our flowers or helping us stomp on them. I can not tell you how floored I was when my therapist told me, “You don’t have to believe every thought you have.” In other words, you can change the way you see yourself by changing the way you talk to yourself. To speak to yourself kinder, try talking to yourself like a child. We’re often more forgiving, compassionate, and loving when we view ourselves as children rather than as our fully grown adult selves. Need extra help? Tape a picture of yourself as a child on your bathroom mirror. You’d be amazed at how hard it is to talk badly to yourself about how you look when you are looking at a picture of yourself as a baby.
A common setback of self-love is holding onto past mistakes. Maybe it was the time you tripped down the stairs at work or maybe it was that time you made a really bad financial decision……and you’re still letting it define you. If you cheated in a relationship, got fired from a job, or can recall every single embarrassing moment since you were a kid, you might be holding onto evidence that you’re not lovable.
Instead, let’s flip the perspective. Look at how you’ve changed, improved, and grown since those past mistakes. Realize how even the most awful mistakes and moments have made you stronger, kinder, and better. Without a failed relationship, you wouldn’t be in your current one or wouldn’t know what you actually wanted in a new relationship. And without being fired from that job (that you didn’t even really like btw) maybe you wouldn’t have found a new job that you are super passionate about or be where you are today.
Key Takeaway: See yourself as an evolving and growing human being, not as a gag reel of your past mistakes and watch your confidence soar.
4. Treat yourself the way you treat your bff
It sounds cliché, but the most important relationship in your life really is the one you have with yourself. So why don’t you nurture that relationship like you do with your best friend, mama, or significant other? Self-love might be as simple as loving yourself in your love language. I’m 100% a little treat girlie. I love to get people little treats, whether that’s making muffins for my team at work or picking up my husband a vintage record at the record store. Make a list of all the ways you treat the people you love: Do you text them to check in? Do you surprise them, give them compliments, or do an act of service? The way you treat the people you love should also be the way you treat yourself too. Check in with yourself, give yourself compliments, treat yourself regularly to little splurges, or look in the mirror and give yourself a compliment on how joyful you look.
Read: Solo Dates: The Art of Dating Yourself
5. Say “no” when you want to say “no”
Boundaries let other people know that you expect respect, but more importantly, they let you know that you deserve respect. Boundaries allow others to understand what the parameters are for them to do life with you. Perhaps it’s the coworker who asks for help when you’re already swamped, the neighbor who needs a favor when you’re exhausted, or getting guilted into going to a holiday event you don’t feel comfortable attending. Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” puts other’s opinions and needs above your own, which subconsciously tells yourself……you’re not the priority and undermines your confidence.
A “true yes,” or a “hell yes”, will make you excited without doubt or worry. Say “yes” when you mean yes and “no” when you mean no.
6. Nourish your body well
No matter what your current relationship with food is like, the food you eat should be an act of self-love. You know that old-school saying that you are what you eat? Well, it’s absolutely true. It’s not about “good foods” you’re supposed to eat versus “bad foods” you’re not supposed to eat; it’s about loving your body enough to nourish it with nutrient dense, healthy foods. After all, health is the best gift you could ever give to yourself. With that being said, pleasure is a nutrient too, so also treat yourself to the foods you love without guilt, shame, or deprivation. Knowing that you are taking care of yourself with the nutrition your body needs is a super easy way to build confidence in yourself.
Read: Ten Healthy Habits that Changed My Life
7. …and that goes for nutrition off the plate as well
Just like your body feels like crap after eating junk food, there is such a thing as junk food for the brain, and it makes your mind (and body) feel bad after consuming too. The shows you watch, the podcasts you listen to, and the books you read feed you just as much as grass fed steaks and fresh fruits. Make sure you’re choosing the most nourishing options: Turn off the news, stop watching TV that feels like a waste of time, and read books that inspire you. P.S. That goes double for your social media feed: Unfollow or mute anyone who doesn’t make you feel inspired, encouraged, confident, or happy.
Overall, be more conscious and choosy with every way you’re nourishing your body.
8. Play
Take a quick pulse check right now: When’s the last time you did anything just for fun? How do you spend your free time alone that isn’t bingeing Housewives? If it’s difficult (or impossible) for you to think of an answer, your very stressful adult-ish life has likely taken precedence over a very important aspect of life: having fun. Lack of self-love or constant self-judgment might be just because you’re taking life too seriously. Incorporate regular “playtime” in your life by turning on music and dancing, doing something creative like coloring, or taking a cooking class. Pick something that intrigues you or you are curious about and….
Have fun. Trying something new plus making specific time for play is a huge way to improve your confidence.
Read: Ten Things I’m Loving Lately
9. Don’t break promises to yourself
People often think that once they lose ten pounds, get that promotion, buy the fancy car, or find a solid relationship, then they’ll feel happy with themselves. But self-love is not conditional; it’s a skill you achieve with practice. And how do you practice? You keep promises to yourself. Confidence just means that you trust your word: When you say you’re going to do something, you do it. That means cooking dinner instead of getting takeout, waking up at 5AM for that morning workout, and not calling your ex (that’s right, put the phone down and just delete his number). Keep in mind that following through with what you plan on doing is worth more than just achieving what you want—it’s building confidence and self-trust, which translate into self-love.
Don’t break promises to yourself.
10. Double down on what makes you unique
We spend so much of our lives trying to blend in that sometimes we stop prioritizing our truest self. Many of us still have the middle-school mentality that if else likes us, then that’s means we are accepted–which pushes us to try to fit in or seek acceptance. But really, we only can love ourselves when we are aligned and in tuned to who we really are. Our purpose in life is just to become more of who we are in all the wild, beautiful, crazy, amazing ways.
Make a list of your qualities, likes, strengths, and passions (see: #1). Then, become more of that, unapologetically. Take inventory of your life and notice where you feel tension–things that don’t feel true to you and remove them. Instead, fill up the empty space with more things that make you unique.
For example, find out what makes you feel alive, and then do it more often. Love singing? Join a church choir. Love drawing? Join an art class. Love organizing and mobilizing group events? Join the PTA. Or pick out your truest personality traits (quirky? compassionate? hilarious? stoic?) and bring them into your work life, relationships, and the time you spend alone. Every goal, intention, and schedule should support becoming more of who you really are to 10X your confidence.