I feel like the last few years have been massive years of growth for me…often unwanted growth, but growth nonetheless!

As I continue on this evolution, continuously looking to edit and refine my life, there’s an analogy I often use to help with reflection: What doesn’t fit any more or what have I outgrown?

Think about cleaning out a closet — you want to donate any clothes that you’ve outgrown. Maybe a sweater that fit really well a couple of years ago, feels really uncomfortable now. If you try to wear it, you’re pulling at it or constantly yanking the sleeves down. You’ve outgrown it. It’s a great sweater and it served a purpose once, but now it no longer fits.

What have you outgrown over the last few months? Years?

Think about where you were in March of 2023 versus now. There are likely a lot of things that are very different and many of them might have been hard to navigate through. (I’ll also bet there were also some positive things that have happened too right?)

Maybe you’ve outgrown over-scheduling yourself.
Maybe you’ve outgrown seeking everyone’s opinion before making a decision.
Maybe you’ve outgrown saying yes to everything.
Maybe you’ve outgrown feeling like you need to shame yourself about how you look.
Maybe you’ve outgrown feeling like you need to have the last word.
Maybe you’ve outgrown the habit letting people walk all over you and your boundaries.
Maybe you’ve outgrown keeping score in relationships.

Whatever you’ve outgrown (or are currently outgrowing!), give yourself a gold star. Because you deserve credit for what you’ve accomplished. Setting time aside for reflection can help you see all of the growth & progress that is so easy to miss on a daily basis.

Here’s a few of the things I’ve outgrown lately:

Comparing Myself to Others

“Jane is going to do an internship in Australia, Sarah has given birth to her third child, Monica has bought an apartment in the center of the city.”

Maybe a few years ago, I would’ve found a reason to feel jealous about these status updates I see on social media because my friends are really cool. Now I simply feel happy for them because each of them has gotten what she wanted and worked so hard for.  They key is–it’s what they wanted and not what I wanted.  I don’t want an apartment in the city (that sounds miserable to be honest) and I definitely can’t handle three kids but I’m thrilled for my friends that are making their dreams come true.

I refuse to take part in this competitive-pitting-women against each other vibe that smacks of “Faster, higher, and better!” and I am not going to compete with others about who gets a better house/vacation/promotion/husband/car. There is no point in wasting time and energy on this. Now I compare my life with the things I had 5 years ago and I can see the progress. This is enough for me to feel happy because I’m chasing what matters to ME.

Wearing Uncomfortable Clothes

Yep, done. When I was in my 20s I would wear heels all day at work often wearing them into the night as I met friends or went on dates.  I wanted to look amazing in any situation which meant heels all day long, dresses in 30 degree weather, uncomfortable underwear (ladies, you know what I’m talking about), tight pants, bustiers with boning jabbing me in the ribs and generally just suffering under the guise of looking good.

Today, I only wear things that are first of all comfortable and THEN stylish, beautiful, and look good on my body type.  I don’t care how big the discount is or how trendy something is, if I touch it and it’s uncomfortable (hello scratchy synthetics) then I’m not wearing it.  I think it’s more important to love myself and care about my own comfort.

Chasing Trends

Which brings me to my next thing……I’m refusing to “chase” trends anymore. This has been a long time coming frankly.  Maybe it’s the fact that it’s something different every 5 mins:  Mob wife, dad sneakers, coquette, different color Stanleys, cottage core, baggy jeans, and so many I can’t even count.

The transition I’ve had over the last few years has been to find and wear clothes that fit my body type, are comfortable for me, and express who I am as an individual. I feel like the more I’m “chasing” a trend, I’m not really staying true to myself. I look like an idiot in huge baggy jeans and even though they are very on trend right now…..I look dumb in them. Why would I spend a massive amount of money on something that doesn’t flatter me, isn’t really going to make me confident, and frankly will be out of style in a few months? PS–it also gives me an icky feeling thinking about how wasteful financially these trend are and even more so the impact on the environment.

I’m drawn more to classic pieces and maybe mixing in an trendy accessory here and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE fashion but I’m much more conscious about what pieces I’m buying.

In the words of the late and great Iris Apfel, “When you don’t dress like everyone else, you don’t have to think like everyone else.”

Finishing Things I Don’t Enjoy

I think all of us in my generation were told by our mamas that we can’t leave the table unless we finished our meal. Being the oldest daughter and an obedient girl, I would even finish the food that I absolutely hated. I stuck with the season of softball my parent signed me up for even though it sucked out my soul and I detested it.

In adulthood, I can allow myself to not eat the cake that I don’t feel like eating, even if it cost a lot of money at a restaurant, I can leave a movie because I don’t like the plot, I can stop interacting with someone annoying, or I can stop reading a book because I lost interest. Stepping back doesn’t mean losing — it’s not shameful.  Time is too precious for me to waste it on things I don’t enjoy.

Prioritizing Other People’s Interests Over My Own

Earlier I would go to the store to buy jeans and come back with a bunch of T-shirts, dresses, and shoes (for Callie). My husband would ask, “Where are the jeans?”, and I would sheepishly admit that I had forgotten about myself. I would tell myself that I’d buy them next time. Now I am way smarter: I go grocery shopping and I treat myself to Starbucks on the way instead of buying the hundredth (insert whatever item) for my daughter, and I enjoy it with zero regrets. I am not ashamed because that’s how I continue to be a healthy and happy mama to my kid.

When I was younger, it seemed to me that other people’s issues needed to be solved first, while my own issues would be solved if there was any time left over for them. I would agree to help my colleagues at work and stay overtime or give my last $20 to my friend to cover her bar tab and live with no money until my next paycheck, which was still a week away. I’d run to the store for someone else when I’d been up all night with Callie and was exhausted.  I’d agree to bake cookies for a bake sale the night before I had a huge presentation due for work.  I’d let my self care, happiness, fulfilment, and well being take a back seat to everyone else.  But now I realize that things in life should have the same priorities as on a plane — first put the oxygen mask on yourself, then take care of everyone else.

Certain Hobbies (By Accident)

There were things that I used to do that I absolutely loved: live music festivals, going to watch a different cover bands every night, dinner and margs on a patio, trying a new restaurant as soon as it opened.  But now in my 40s, I look up and realize that those things that I absolutely used to identify myself with…..haven’t happened in a while.  The girl that lived in band tees and knew what band was playing at every North Central bar in San Antonio is no longer here.  And part of me is sad, but another part of me?

Knows that I don’t need labels to describe me.  It’s understanding that as I grow and mature, the ways that I take care of myself and the rebuilding of the foundation of things that I love will change too.  So maybe I’m not able to go to as many music festivals as I want, but I definitely am getting in visits to National Parks, long walks, cooking, hand lettering, re-learning French and reading a book a week.

The goal is evolution.

Agreeing to Do Things I Don’t Want to Do

Hear me out, I’m not a completely selfish jerk.

Let’s say my friend Samantha is the chief accountant at a big company. She gets a call from her mama asking her to come plow her garden so they can get the seeds down before fall. The house is 250 miles away. Samantha tells her mom she will send her some money to pay someone to do it and her mom refuses.  So Samantha completely puts her obligations, priorities, and responsibilities on the backburner and rushes to her mom’s garden.  Sam’s stressed out, resentful, and a little bit pissed off now instead of insisting that she can pay someone to help her mom.

By and large, no one will appreciate it if you go to work on the weekends, make dozens of homemade cookies for every bake sale, show up early to help set up for every birthday celebration, or spend your entire night over the boiling hot stove in order to delight your guests with a 5 star restaurant experience. You shouldn’t try to do more than your best. Instead, you can choose to only follow through with those tasks that you like and that you are able to do. I’m doing this because I appreciate myself and value my own time.

Apologizing for My Age

I’m 42.  Not 20, not 25, not even 35.  I’m in my 40s and as much as it pains society to admit this out loud, I’m THRIVING in my 40s. I’m more comfortable in my skin, more comfortable in my relationships, more empowered at work, and frankly better in every single way in my 40s.  I’ve given up the obsession with youth–for centuries, women have been taught to hide their age and to be ashamed of it. A few years ago, I would be trying to look 10 years younger, obsessively looking for gray hairs (thank goodness for being a blonde!), wearing a thick layer of foundation to hide my wrinkles, and trying all of the things I could to “reverse” aging.

But why? I feel comfortable at my age. I don’t see a single reason to feel shy about it.

Certain Relationships

As I’ve matured and started new stages of life, I’ve noticed that I’m more comfortable with my relationships changing. While it’s normal for friendships to change, the feeling of outgrowing a friend (or even family member) is understandably weird, especially when you still care deeply for them.  I found that friendships where our priorities are different, our ideas of having fun were different, and where we only really talked about the past were the friendships that I’m ok with outgrowing them.  I absolutely loved the memories and the time spent those people but I’m secure with the fact that I’m making room for things and people in my life that align with where I am at and more importantly, where I’m going.

My Jeans

I have jeans in my closet that are 15 years old.  Pre-pregnancy jeans, pre-cancer jeans, pre-peri-menopause jeans.  And as much as I wanted to cling to the idea that I will ever be that thin again……

I’m not.

There is no sense in worrying about it, just like there is no sense in keeping jeans that I will never fit back into. I’ve accepted myself the way I am, in a clothing size that is comfortable, healthy, and sustainable for me. I play up my advantages with the help of clothing and I don’t waste my time dreaming about unreachable ideals.

It’s ok to grow friends.

It’s ok to lose some things.

To do the work.

To let somethings go.

To clean out more than just your closet.

What have you outgrown lately?