Y’all know that I’m obsessed with intuition and listening to my inner voice.  So I wanted to talk about relationships but more specifically….signs that you are trying to force a relationship that isn’t health.

I’m talking about that nagging feeling creeps up in the back of your mind (hello, intuition): Are they really “good for me” or am I wasting my time trying to force a relationship? The truth is that when you know, you know.  But when you’re not sure, you know too; it’s just harder to admit it because that means there’s an imminent relationship break up coming soon.

We’ve all stayed in relationships with people that we know in our heart of hearts aren’t right for us but choose to ignore the gut feeling. We stay because it’s easier than being alone, we stay because they are “family”, we stay because we don’t want to have a hard conversation with someone, and we stay because we worry we actually are overreacting.  There’s just a tangible reason or maybe it’s just a feeling….whatever it may be–chemistry is off, compatibility has shifted, or your values are maybe askew.  It’s difficult to know something’s missing when you can’t put your finger on what it is but your intuition is giving you some signs.

But because you deserve good, solid, beautifully kind, empathetic, amazing people in your life….read on for some signs you might be forcing the relationship:

1. You want a relationship more than you want the person

Oof.  Hello, younger version Jaime.  I have always known that I wanted to be a wife and a mother, that has never been a question.  I literally was pulling wedding ideas out of magazines when I was 17 years old. It took me a little bit of time and one not so great relationship to figure out that I was maybe a little more in love with the idea of a relationship than with a certain person.  Something that was helpful for me in trying to figure out if I wanted the person or wanted the relationship, was to think about whether or not I would be friends with this person. Would I want to be around them, even if it was platonic or a relationship was not an option? What if this person never wanted to get married or lived across the country? Would I still want to be with them, or would I throw up a peace sign and move on to someone more convenient?  I think it’s a good sign that if you’re only with this person due to convenient circumstances or wanting a relationship, odds are, you’re more in love with being in a relationship than with the person.

2. The relationship doesn’t recover from arguments

When it comes to disagreements in a relationship, we grow up being shown mixed messages in media, books, and on TV. We either expect a passionate love affair (hello, Noah and Allie in The Notebook) where a fiery little spark means constant fighting all the dang time or we’re told that  “The One” is this mythical perfect person for us. They do absolutely nothing wrong, and therefore, we never need to disagree; if you do happen to have a fight or mistake is made, well that must mean there’s someone better out there for us. 

But I’ve found that compatibility and relationship success do not depend on whether or not you disagree but instead on how fast you can recover from disagreements. It’s safe to say that no matter who your true love is, they won’t be perfect, so it’s fair to say that both of you are going to do a lot of dumb things in the relationship.  Mistakes are going to be made, bad days are going to happen and arguments are going to come up. The thing to pay attention to though is how your significant other reacts to those times. Do they listen to you, communicate effectively, and make efforts not to make the same mistake twice? Do you both care more about the relationship than about being right? Do you recover quickly and move on without throwing the mistakes back in each other’s faces? Or do you struggle with communication, hold onto resentment, and feel like every fight could be the death of the relationship? If your closeness doesn’t bounce back (quickly) after arguments, you might be forcing the connection. 

3. You’re hoping some things about them will change

If you catch yourself thinking, my relationship with my mom/dad/sister/brother/sister-in-law, cousin would be perfect if only [insert thing here] or our relationship will be great once they [insert change here], you’re 100% forcing it. And forced relationships will never last. You don’t always need to have the same values, beliefs, and attitudes, but you at least have to understand, respect, and appreciate each other (and your differences!). You should not have to change them to be able to be around them long term. People tend to not want to change unless they want to and even then, they actually have to take the steps to change.  You shouldn’t be investing your time and effort on someone that obviously has some misalignments with you.

Of course, questioning their loyalty is the biggest red flag (your intuition is always right, friends). If you don’t trust them to be loyal, keep their word, treat you with respect, be honest, they are definitely not a relationship you need in your life. But I’m also talking about trusting them in other ways. Let’s use your best friend as an example.  If they’re someone that’s worth being a part of your life, you’ll trust their opinions, value their input, and believe in who they are as a person. You have faith in their honesty and don’t question their integrity. They call when they say they will, show up when they say they will, do what they say they are going to do and generally bring love and light to your life…..not stress and distrust.  

5. You can picture a life with them, but it doesn’t excite you

Just because you can picture a life together does not always mean it’s right for you. When you think about what a relationship, having a home, starting a family, or growing old with this person would be like, is it the fantasy that’s more exciting or actually doing it all with them?

I literally can not wait to be 75 years old with James and drink coffee on our porch.  I can’t wait to help Callie fly the nest with him, become empty nesters, take the dog for a walk, travel with him, go to the grocery store with him and do all of life’s simple things together. I love thinking about the big things–retirement, travel, buying our forever home but it’s the little things that I’m most anticipating.  Coffees on the deck.  Talking about books we read.  Trying new recipes out.  Watching the sunset over the hills.  Taking a walk holding hands.

If the spark is there, you’ll look forward to every next step and see yourselves happily together at 80 years old. If you’re forcing something, you’ll be more excited about the big life events (a wedding, buying a house, having babies, etc.) and won’t be able to picture just the two of you together, 50 years from now going to the grocery store.

Just because you can picture a life together does not always mean it’s right for you.

6. You only feel good about them in certain environments

Maybe you have fun hanging out with them one on one, but you’re constantly cringing when your whole family gets together because they don’t fit in. Or perhaps you think you can sustain the relationship when you see them during the holidays, but when you hang out outside the holidays, you want to poke your eyes out with a spork.  Rather than get distracted by the times you do feel good about them, focus on the times when you don’t. If the relationship is only strong in some environments but missing in others, this relationship might be better off coming to a close.

7. You don’t feel safe or respected

This one will be quick.  If you don’t feel safe or respected, this isn’t a relationship you need in your life.  Period. This goes for family, friends, loved ones and bosses. Realize what a respectful relationship feels like, and don’t mistake it for anything else.

8. You’re not on the same page

You are married with a new born and your sorority sister is single.  She wants to go out all the time but doesn’t understand why that’s not feasible for you anymore.  Or you are saving up to take 6 months off of work (world tour planned!) but your partner is saving up for a down payment on a future home.

Both of these relationships aren’t on the same page.  You may want to try to salvage the relationship but ultimately, if your values aren’t aligned, these type of relationships might not work out.

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