I feel like I’ve been trying to become a better version of myself since I literally entered middle school. From making sure I was in the GT program, making sure I played sports, making sure I had enough volunteer hours to get into college, to making sure my body “looked” a certain way doing all those things, becoming better has been a consistent goal in my life—so much so that I literally have created a blog to help share all of the ideas I have on how to live a more beautiful life. I’ve been on a constant mission to figure out how to have more energy, how to improve my health, how to regulate my hormones, how to navigate this life as a disability parent, how to set boundaries, to be more confident, to be more outgoing, to be happier, blah blah blah… and frankly, on some level your girl is exhausted.
The truth is my experience isn’t unique, and so many of us now—especially women—are feeling drained by the endless pressure to pursue betterment.
What is betterment burnout?
I saw a survey by Bumble recently that indicates that 55 percent of their singles users feel pressured to pursue self-improvement constantly, and one in four actually feels unworthy of a partner.
What is driving this need to improve ourselves constantly? Could it be a response to the last few years where we’ve often felt like we have little control? If you think about it over the three years we’ve gone through A LOT–a global pandemic, wars that reverberate over the world, and economic hardship. That might be driving us to feel like we constantly need to improve. Self-improvement might feel, for a lot of us, like one of the few things that we actually have control over.
You may feel a lack of control because all of these promises that wellness influencers made to you haven’t come true. You may feel a lack of clarity over what exactly to do. Everyone on the internet has a different idea about what to eat, how to exercise, how to be happier, so who are we supposed to listen to? You may feel pressure to try to chase betterment in all areas of your life, which is very overwhelming. And finally, you may feel that you’ve lost the balance between doing things for a particular outcome versus pursing things that actually bring you joy.
Another reason that betterment can cause burnout is that there is really no clear end to it. It has no finish line and in a lot of ways it’s not equal. We all have different goal posts. It also doesn’t help that in a lot of ways, the goal post keeps moving. Got your diet in check? Now you have to meditate and get your mental health in line. Got that in check? Okay, now this week we are working on healing our inner child. If the goal post is in constant movement how can we ever feel satisfied with who we are?
I feel like the tides are changing, not to say that we shouldn’t grow and evolve as people (I am an Enneagram 3 after all), but so each of us can more wholly embrace ourselves and find joy and fulfillment in this crazy game of life.
6 tips for avoiding betterment burnout
When your self improvement quest cause more stress than good and make you consistently question your worth, it may be time to start to reconsider what it is that you are really pursuing and hit pause on the chase for betterment. Here are some ways to start readjusting your self-improvement practices and goals, ask bigger questions about why our society is this way, and find growth without shame or burnout.
1. Lead with curiosity and compassion.
Let’s replace criticism and judgement with curiosity and compassion.
When you start to feel burnout in yourself, taking a couple of breaths, and asking yourself the following questions:
Do you feel the need to improve yourself constantly? If so, why?
Who or what is driving the need for improvement?
What if I told you that, as you are, you are enough and worthy?
What does the previous statement spark, wake up, agitate, or settle within you?
I find it a great practice to journal out your thoughts on these questions!
2. Consider just being
I can honestly say, this is the one I struggle with the most. I tend to want to constantly be doing things and have the hardest time just…….being. I have wrestled with this urge for most of my adult life–even when “relaxing” I’m still trying to figure out how I can more effectively relax, how I can take my relaxing to the next level, or how I can get a gold star at relaxing.
Hello, eldest daughter syndrome.
Even if there is something that we desire to shift, adjust, and change about how we are showing up to life and in the world, we have to begin with a sense of compassionate self-acceptance.. If we aren’t OK with ourselves now, how are we ever going to be OK? I’m learning that rest is essential to learning to just be. When we slow down, we can more easily find compassion and give ourselves the space to think more critically about why we are pursuing improvement. Rest is an invitation to be with ourselves as we are. Rest asks us to do nothing except be. Rest will cause us to ask and answer the extremely difficult question, ‘Who am I when I am NOT doing, performing, fixing, or striving?’” All we ever have is this moment; find it again and sit in it as completely as you can, just as you are right now.
Rest will cause us to ask and answer the extremely difficult question, ‘Who am I when I am NOT doing, performing, fixing, or striving?’”
3. Practice discernment with self-help
Self-help has been my favorite genre for a while now. I’ve always looked for “hacks” to improve my current self and live the life of my dreams.
But it’s interesting to me that women tend to be the primary objects of transformation in the self-help genre, indicating the belief that women, their behavior, feelings, and tendencies, are inherently flawed. The targeting of women in this genre perpetuates the idea that for women to exist and succeed in our society, they need to work on themselves.
That isn’t to say you should ditch everything you’ve ever heard from self-help gurus and psychologists and throw out all of those books you bought at Barnes and Noble. It’s just to encourage a discernment and a critical eye when listening and reading so you can figure out what will actually help you show up in the world how you want.
4. Prioritize your relationships and your community
The theme in most self-help is inherently individualistic, meaning it can tear us away from the rest of the world. It makes us believe that before we can engage fully with the world—before we can find love, acceptance, and belonging—we have to be perfect. If you follow this ideology, it robs us of the very things that often bring us the most joy and fulfillment.
I’ve found that if I’m spending all my time obsessing over my own self-improvement, I tend to let my community engagement and relationship with my loved ones slip. So take it from me, spend more time with family or friends. Reengage with your community through attending local events, hanging out in local parks, or volunteering.
5. Focus on evolution rather than improvement
I love the idea that we are here to grow and evolve, and I think it’s actually different from improvement. If you think about it, all things in nature grow and evolve. It is an organic process–one that doesn’t look at goal posts, checklists, or gold stars. It reminds me that I’m playing the long game. By reframing my thoughts to evolutions, it allows me to be less critical of where I am now or where I have been and allow for a more natural, less judgmental, and less pressured evolution to take place.
6. Practice gratitude
You want to change your life…….practice gratitude. If I’m trying to break down the notion that I’m a flawed human, I have to remind myself of all of the good things in and around my life. I think if you can adopt a gratitude practice, not only will it help you see the positive in your life but it might also encourage you to take that positivity out into the world–being kind, helpful to others, and cultivate those important relationships we talked about in #4. Plus, I’ve found through my own gratitude practice that it boosts my mood and well being. I’m gentler with myself and celebrate myself more. I’m more aware of “looking” for the small, good, beautiful things in my life.
I hope these tips helped you and as always…..
Sending you love and light!
Jaime
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