After Callie’s disability diagnosis, there were several events that were almost guaranteed to ruin my day: Pregnancy announcements and birth announcements.
I know it sounds absolutely horrible.
It felt even worse.
A friend would share what was (understandably) the happiest news of her life, and I would glance away from the text or Instagram, or even hang up the dang phone and burst into tears. I wouldn’t wish our diagnosis on anyone, let alone my friends, and yet their happy pregnancy news and healthy babies were punch-me-in-the-face reminders of the thing I wanted most but didn’t get.
I’m definitely not an expert in psychology, but I am a person who has navigated through her fair share of grief stricken things–cancer, two auto immune diseases, and a child with a disability. Seasons in which wonderful things happened to people I loved, and I learned to navigate the coexistence of these two realities.
I was sad for myself yet I wanted so badly to be joyful for them. I didn’t always get it right (or at times, get there at all) but here are a few tips that helped me feel happy for others even when it was hard to.
Do Self Check-Ins
A belief that helped me minimize my guilt & shame when I reacted with sadness to someone’s happy news was: “It’s not that I’m not happy for _______, I’m still sad for me.” My grief during the first few years of Callie’s life was so overpowering, it was often the only emotion I could feel. There just wasn’t enough space in me for any other emotion other than grief. It’s not that I didn’t wish the best for the people I loved, it’s just that I was so sad, or angry, or heartbroken, that I simply couldn’t find the room for empathy.
In working with a therapist, I quickly learned that “grief stricken woman who abhors pregnancy announcements” wasn’t a good look for me, but I still needed to find ways to work through my grief to open up space and energy for emotions outside of it.
How?
By creating an action plan.
For example, if you’re single and don’t want to be, is there an opportunity for changing up your approach to dating or meeting a partner? For me, I knew I wasn’t happy for others because I wanted what my friends had: a healthy child. I was already taking all the appropriate steps to “get” our child to a healthy point, so my action plan became to work through my grief with a therapist and to give myself grace in terms of how I was able to show up for my pregnant and new mama friends.
Set Boundaries
Perhaps you’re unhappy in your marriage and it’s upsetting to chat with a friend who is seemingly married to Prince Charming. Setting a boundary can simply be something like: “I’m so happy you’re so happy with Thomas! I’m not feeling like I’m in the best place relationship-wise, do you mind if we take a break talking about our love lives for (X amount of time)?”
Your friend deserves someone who will cheerlead her happiness, and my friends deserved someone who wanted to co-create nursery mood boards on Pinterest. I couldn’t be that person, and every single friend I told understood. Just like we want to be happy for our friends, they want the same thing.
Send the Flowers Anyway
While it’s important to be authentic with yourself (and your feelings), take actions toward your own happiness, and set boundaries, your future self will thank you if you act the way you wish you felt. I like to think that even when I was completely drowning in grief, my present self was still able to take care of my future self’s relationships. When we don’t feel happy for others, it’s usually coming from a place of temporary sadness within ourselves. Understanding that the grief wasn’t going to be as harsh as it was forever, I understood that eventually I was going to be able to navigate things like pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and visiting the L&D unit of the hospital without feeling like I couldn’t breathe. So I just sent the flowers, said congratulations, hosted the baby shower, and told my friends I was thrilled for them— even if I wasn’t completely there yet.
Accept that You Might Just Not Be Ready
Sometimes, you simply may not be able to feel happiness for someone. I remember one particular birth announcement for which none of therapy tricks were working — I was bitter, angry, and super resentful towards this person. Fortunately, she lived far away and had texted me so I didn’t have to navigate the interaction in person.
I was able to sit with my feelings, and honestly? This friend never knew and honestly, it was never about her anyway. There was no need for her or anyone else to know how upset I felt hearing her wonderful news. Even if I felt like my reaction was less than ideal in that moment, I now see in hindsight that my feelings had everything to do with my frustration with my own situation, rather than having any type of malice towards her. I let myself sit right in the thick of those uncomfortable feelings and like they always have done, they passed.
Remember that Everything is Temporary
It was helpful to me to remember that everyone will experience hardship. Maybe right now you feel like you’ll never be happy again and your best friend just bought a gorgeous house, a new car, got a dream job AND went on a dreamy beach vacation. Just like you will feel joy again, it’s just as likely your best friend won’t stay living her best life forever. Life is full of ups and downs. The best we can do for the people we love is to support them through both their happiest and saddest moments. At the end of the day, we’re just making sure we each get home safe.
Be Gentle With Yourself (And Others!)
It was really hard time for me to navigate–hearing someone’s great news and feeling everything but joy. I think it did help me be more empathetic though. I’m far more aware of my good fortune than I would have been without the experience of Callie’s diagnosis. I’m much more grateful for the small, tiny, beautiful moments in our life. I’m much more aware of how fleeting things can be. I’m much more cognizant of those who show up well for us. I’m much more aware of just how good life can be. I am more careful about who I complain to about our medical challenges, more conscientious about what I post on social media, and more aware of how sharing stories about my daughter might impact others.
I know there are people in my life who probably want to feel joy for me but feel triggered seeing the successful parts of our life— or another friend’s five star Alaskan cruise or Pinterest-swoon worthy wedding. I can’t encourage you enough to be gentle with yourself when you’re struggling to feel happiness for others. Be patient with others who can’t quite get there for you when you — inevitably — have whimsical, delightful, and magical things happen to you once again. Grace on top of grace.
As always, we are sending you love and light,
Jaime
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