5 Things I Don’t Feel Guilty for as a Mom

Mom guilt has held me in her grips more times than I can count since the day we brought Callie home from the NICU. She’s a hard one to shake–constantly making me question my decisions to work outside the home, questioning if I’m making the right choices by buying this organic produce over that organic produce, or keeping me up at nights replaying conversations in my head.

But she’s not unshakeable.

The older Callie gets, the more I can push aside that infuriating voice and focus on what’s true. Most of the things I used to feel guilty about—from self-care habits to routines to boundaries—have been actually beneficial to myself, our daughter, and our family’s overall well-being. Although eliminating my mom guilt in every aspect of life is likely an impossible feat, these are the five things that I now refuse to feel guilty about:

Letting myself and my daughter indulge in “special treats”

I consider myself a VIP member of the “Treat Yourself” club. There’s nothing that breathes more life into me than spending $7.15 on my favorite local iced coffee or having a (gluten free!) cookie at the end of a long day. “Treat Yourself” is a mantra I’ve endorsed long before parenthood, and now with the added responsibilities of raising our small human, I can’t find it in me to muster an ounce of guilt for any of the special treats I allow myself.

My love of special treats also makes me more empathetic to Callie when she asks me for her own. However, we all know how much of a slippery slope that can be with kids–one minute you say yes to a cookie and suddenly they’ve eaten all the cookies, the whole bag of Cheetos plus your secret stash of chocolate on the top shelf of the cabinet. Sigh. Thankfully, I’ve completely eliminated the mom guilt of allowing her sweets by making them meaningful and intentional. We focus on finding things that aren’t full of artificial junk and gobs of sugar–we love Thrive Market for these things–and trying to stick to things with real ingredients that taste good too.

I want to make sure that we aren’t tying “treats” to performance as well as not making food the only way to “treat” ourselves. We also make books, lip gloss, new art supplies, later bedtime, and movie nights ways to celebrate and indulge.

Following a consistent sleep schedule for my daughter

Callie has had a consistent bedtime since she was a baby, and it’s one of the best parenting decisions we’ve ever made. It started out of sheer necessity because sleep was a priority to help her grow and put on weight after leaving the NICU. We wanted to make sure that our family prioritized sleep and better bedtime habits from the start because it’s so important for overall health. She went down for naps at the same time every day and we’ve held a consistent bed time well into her teens.

Frankly, we are ruthless when it comes to making sure she gets enough sleep.

A lot of people couldn’t fathom why we structured our lives so strictly around her sleep schedule, but truthfully, it’s was just as much for us as it was for her. We’d rather have a predictable schedule where we know we’ll get breaks at the same time every day. The baby stage is exhausting, so those breaks felt like necessary lifelines in our sea of never-ending doctor visits, hospital stays and grief. However, looking back–this stage was also very, very fleeting. Bedtime definitely is a set time in our home but we have implemented some flexibility as she’s gotten older. Take it from me, Mama….you gotta do whatever can to stay sane in the meantime and that might mean getting those babies in bed so you can have a moment of peace.

Scheduling time away from my daughter (and not missing her)

Letting me be myself outside of motherhood is an absolute must for my mental health. So, I regularly schedule date nights with my husband, girls’ nights (or hikes) with friends, and solo dates with my book after she goes to bed. I also periodically take time off from work on school days to have a “me day.” Being without her helps me remember that I was a person before I became a mom, and I’m still a person now.

It took me many years to let myself exist outside of my identity as a mother without feeling major mom guilt. And honestly, I’m still working on it. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the fact that I was away from Callie that made me guilty, but the fact that I didn’t think to miss her while I was gone. I’d be having a grand old time not thinking about her at all—until it hit me. I hadn’t thought her at all. What kind of mom doesn’t think about her daughter when they’re not with her?!

Well, a normal mom. She was safe (and frankly, probably having a blast on her own adventures), so it’s OK that I wasn’t incessantly worrying about her. It took a lot of self-reassurance that I was still a good and loving mother regardless. I understand now that to continue being a good mama to my daughter, I have to take care of myself first.

Being without her helps me remember that I was a person before I became a mom, and I’m still that person now. I think it’s equally important for me to model that for my daughter too.

Setting up boundaries and sticking to them

There’s so much you don’t know about parenthood before coming into this phase of life, and the importance of clear boundaries was something that I had to learn very quickly in my parenting journey. In my experience, having kids pushes you to consider situations you never would have even considered important in the past.

For instance, with our family, we had to figure out what our boundaries with social media looked like, where we should spend holidays, and whether we wanted to allow sleepovers at friend’s homes. Then there are boundaries we created with our daughter, like deciding screen time limits, the types of foods we want to nourish our bodies with, even down to what types of people we even wanted to let into our lives. We had to think about whether we want to bedshare or not, or think about when she’s reached her sugar limit for the day, and if we are going to keep soda in the house (hot take–we don’t). And lastly, boundaries we’ve set for ourselves as working parents–like turning off our phones at a certain time each night, prioritizing time together as a couple, and encouraging each other to take solo time to recharge.

Anytime I’ve established boundaries with family, Callie, or myself, there’s always pushback (yes, even I push against my own damn rules half the time). But I listen to my gut when I come up with a boundary, and a mother’s intuition is a powerful force. This makes it easier to enforce the boundary when necessary. My husband and I also make these decisions as a team, and we always back each other up.

Ultimately, we created our family rules for the sole purpose of keeping our daughter healthy and safe, and if someone doesn’t want to respect them, then they’re not someone we want in their lives.

Saying no to all the activities

This may be an unpopular take, but I do not care if my child doesn’t attend every single birthday party, sporting event, or extracurricular activity she’s invited to. I am not the mom who is frantically driving from activity to activity after school and on the weekends. Not to shame the moms who are—I genuinely commend your organization and execution in getting your kids to and from each activity. But I just can’t do that and I’m OK with that. I think it’s important for Callie to have down time at home, time to be bored, time to create things, and time to REST. We have precious time together as a family due to our busy schedules and if I have to pick between spending time together as a family doing an activity that we love versus going to a germ-infested trampoline park for another random birthday party……I’ll pass.

We let Callie pick 1-2 extracurricular activities to participate in and then we look at scheduling 2-3 “extras” each month–things like birthday parties, going to Starbucks with friends, or having her friends over to watch a movie but I am ruthless about protecting our free time. I find this helps lower my own stress and allows me to focus my energy on the important things each month. I know in our culture now, there’s this idea that we have to be busy all the time, constantly on the go, and involved in activity after activity…….and I’m pushing back against that. I don’t want our daughter to feel burned out or stressed and would rather she focus on something that she loves than 15 things she’s mildly interested in.