“How are you?”
Callie had been admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago. She had a terrible bacterial infection and was transported by ambulance to the same hospital where she spent the first three trauma-filled months of her life.
I was sleep deprived. Scared. Overwhelmed. Hungry. Stressed out.
I really wanted to yell, “I’m not okay!”
But instead I say, I’m good. I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m alright. I’m holding up.
Ever said these words in response to someone asking, “How are you?”
Were you being honest?
Sometimes I’m not good, okay, fine, or alright. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed, sad, hurt, grief stricken, and scared. In our world, navigating a child with disabilities, we so commonly respond with the stock answer that life is good and we are doing fine, but in reality, we are one shit show away from going to pieces.
My mouth automatically says, “I’m good.”
My fingers automatically text, “I’m fine.”
But my heart sobs, “I’m not okay.”
What is it that makes it so hard to admit we’re not okay when we know most of the world is also not okay? We all have troubles, hardships, and heartaches. We all walk through hard things.
Yet, we want everyone to think we’re fine and not only are we fine, but we have everything under control.
Have you ever wished when you said, “I’m okay” that someone would look you in the eyes, hug you and say, “I know you’re not.”
I have.
Instead of admitting that I wasn’t okay a few weeks ago, I wished someone would have noticed how much I hurt.
No one noticed though–because I had mastered the art of pretending.
I had a mini meltdown when Callie got home from the hospital. I sat crying in my husband’s lap lamenting the fact that we literally handled the entire situation by ourselves. I couldn’t understand why that was until he gently reminded me that I was a professional at “appearing” as if I had everything under control.
“You literally have an Excel sheet for everything. A check list for calamities. You move so quickly and handle everything so efficiently and effortlessly looking to others, it looks as if you don’t need help much less are desperate for it. Someone asks if you need help and you tell them that you’ve got it. If you need help and you want help, you need to ask for it.”
Gasp.
Admit I didn’t have it handled?
That feels a bit uncomfy.
But the thing is…..there was a touch to truth to his words. I did want help. I needed help. I needed someone to come sit with me so I could talk. I needed someone to bring me food so I didn’t have to eat vending machine food for dinner. I needed someone to come relieve me when James had to go back to work so I could take a shower. I needed a safe space to unpack the feelings I had being back in the same place that some much trauma happened to us when she was born. But did I say that? No. Because I wanted people to figure out on their own that I needed help even though I said I didn’t need help and told them I had everything under control. Was that too much to ask?
I know. I’m absurd.
Life is not always great and it’s time to stop pretending that it is. Authentically admitting that life can be hard at times makes you real and honest. Now I’m not saying that you need to spill out all life’s troubles to everyone you meet all the time. Or that you need to whine about every little inconvenience all the time (let’s not do that if we can). But I am saying that I realize that admitting that my daughter being hospitalized for four days was hard and being real about not being okay with it to people I trust is a good place (for me) to start.
I did a lot of reflecting and journaling after my mini meltdown and here are four ways I think letting others know you’re not okay can help you:
1. Admitting you aren’t okay helps to take off the pressure.
When you look like you have it all together, you portray an image of perfection. You get put on a pedestal and others expect you to live up to it. Every single time. Even worse, you then start to expect yourself to live up to it. Striving for perfection in order to keep your image alive can be exhausting and bring a lot of pressure on yourself. When you admit your perfectly imperfectness to others, that pressure can subside.
2. Admitting you’re not okay helps you become a safe person for others.
When you can embrace that it’s okay to not be okay, you appear more honest to people. I’ve felt for years that I would be judged as weak if I let my flaws show, but in reality, but in reality, many people see an authentic person as someone they can trust. This could help deepen your relationships to a more fulfilling level.
3. It allows others to help you.
Are you one of those people who helps everyone else, but never lets anyone help you? Hello, it’s me. Maybe it’s too hard to let others help because you don’t want to be a burden. I know some people worry about others feeling put out or even annoyed when asked to help (hello, guilt). However, most people like how if feels when they help others when you are real about your struggles, it gives others a chance to pay if forward.
4. It gives you a chance to grow.
Hiding our struggles keeps them in the dark, but when we open up and bring hardship into the light, we have the chance to grow. Denying there’s a problem is a good way for issues to build up and grow into even bigger problems when ignored for too long. When you admit you’re having a difficult time to yourself and others, you have an opportunity to make a change, adapt, learn healthy coping mechanisms and implement healthy improvements.
So I’ll ask you now….
How are you really?
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